Pests for Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Obviously. Sprouts to peel, presents to wrap, and termites to chase out from their foul little hidey-holes.

“What’s that?” I hear you say. Not your typical Christmas fare, but the spinning wheel landed on us to host this year and I’m going to fulfil my end of the bargain. The family is coming over from my home country and they’re expecting a real, proper Western Christmas, free from irritating insects, but also taking place after they’ve been humanely removed, obviously. So now I’m ringing around every single pest control company in Frankston to see if anyone can help me out, with mixed to negative results. Not because they can’t do the pest control at all, but because I’m having to ask if they can take out the termites and release them back into the wild. The technology for that hasn’t really been invented yet, so short of actually finding a monk with the ability to coax termites into the outside world instead of snacking on a tasty house, I don’t think it’s happening. I can either lie to my relatives and say that everything went great, the termites were offered a mutually-acceptable business deal and are now enjoying their new real estate of a big old oak tree in the park, OR I can try to say that I’ve rediscovered my roots of caring for all living creatures and now the termites just live with us. But they can’t live with us…they’re destroying the house. They WILL destroy the house. That’s inevitable, but the extended family would probably say that I’m a modern-day saint.

Hmm, yeah, sorry. First lesson: Christmas is a time for deceit.

“No, Santa is DEFINITELY real!”

“That suspicious package under the tree ISN’T what you think it is, nope, don’t check our bank records please.”

“I definitely swear that the Mornington pest control company I got in to do the termite work did so without a single loss of life.”

Hey, it’s us or them.